before the sun rises part.2

currently listening to : zero 7

It's kind of ironic to call this before the sun rises part 2 because by now it's already 7.30 and the sun has well and truly risen, and by now my cup of coffee has actually turned cold sitting in my air conditioned room, and it still tastes dreadful, i guess it's just not thick enough, not enough creamer which comes to show that 3 in 1 shacets sucks.

Well anyway what I originally had in mind to write about was something like a story about myself, I think i'm writing this more for myself rather then for the people that's going to read it.

I've been giving a lot of thought about why, I'm such a slacker, I mean I'm piratically the definition of a slacker if I was a Christian then I would be sent to the deepest levels of hell for the sin of sloth which I pledge guilty for. I wondered how or when did I start to be like this, as far back as I can remember I've always been like this I guess, practically ever since standard one i never liked doing work, and never did, i never like listening to what the school teaches, i love to read and i love to learn but i hate being told what to read and learn, so i never did any homeworks and my parents never really insist on making sure i did, maybe it's cause i'm an only child i don't know, they might blame them self for how i turn out to be now but i blame myself too because as far back as i can remember i've always been aware of the fact that i needed to do better or i knew i was being too lazy, but i always did just enough to get by, and luckily the things i had interest in sometimes coincided with things being thought at school mostly the science stuffs, i piratically spent my childhood in a library i had already learn about things like how sex reproduction works and all that at standard 5 which isn't thought in school until like if i'm not mistaken form 3? And that's how my life of school has been i can honestly say i learn little to nothing from school everything i know i probably learnt it myself from reading books other then school text books, the only thing i learn from school is probably math which is the one thing my parents DID insist on, well even that i didn't learn in school it's mostly in tuition that i actually learn anything, it never bothered me though because i got by being who i was, i even got into a science stream, which i slightly regret now seeing that i'm arts but if i think about it i don't believe it would have made a difference either way. I've always been a dreamer, i never pay any attention in class i'm always day dreaming i'd stare at the black board but my eyes would go out of focus and the words on it would be blurred and my mind would wonder off, hmm i'm really starting to think i DO have attention deficit disorder.

By form 4 however I started to think I really need to bulk up on my studies, i never did. I'd go on sprees i would take notes everyday for awhile but it never lasts I never can sustain it for more then a few weeks if not a few days, I just detested things being tought, i hated to study maybe partly because it was all written in malay but i believe it's more to do with how the text books are written it's all very dull all straight forward, I hated history because they write history in such a boring manner in such a matter of fact way I feel history should be written with passion and with emotions, I didn't like anything in school not even English the way English is tought in school is a joke, its so mundane and maybe that is why I can't spell and I don't know what is a noun what is a verb I don't know most of the technicality of English I can only tell what is right and what is wrong I can't tell you in technical term why and so on so. I felt highschool was just a memorizing game who ever that can memorize more wins and the subject they pick are the most boring ones, well at least i felt they managed to make it boring, the teachers we have here I believe most of them never wanted to be teachers I believe most of them had different dreams but never realized it and ended up being a teacher and hated every moment of it, they come to school hating everyday of it as much as the students do just that they never tell you but i could tell, they hate it too they teach like how you would wipe your ass after you shit it's just a necessity , mandatory affliction of survival, they do it just to get by.

But no matter how much of a sloth I was I still managed to get by highschool, and I think part of me thought i could get by life this way, but deep inside i knew it was never true, college started and reality was violently thrown in my face, I suddenly had to learn to live by myself and i HAD to work hard, harder then i've ever been in my entire life, a lot harder but I coped with it , I relished it really my 1st term in coll was good by my standards but in reality I just barely managed to last minute every thing, but at that time I had no friends, at least I had no friends to hang out with because all my class mates lived far away from coll so i was practically alone for the entire first term i had NO internet , not even a comp actually all i had was my Cds and a cd player in my room so thats how i lived everyday i get home i sit down pop a cd in and listened to songs and worked well actually it was more like i'd get home then wait until like 12am then start working, i prefer working at that time cause everyone is asleep by then so there's no one to distract me( i dint have ear plugs at that time, so even when i play music i can hear noises outside and i'd always feel like goin out to see what's happening).

By my second term however things drastically changed I got to know more people namely Tee, Adhy , and Ray and due to me having to retake 2 subjects met even more people namely Chris , Nina and the rest of the gang, so my lifestyle changed I was out more well actually i was out a lot, by the 3rd term things got out of hand, I had too many commitments and i was well aware that i wasn't fulling any of them nearly enough, by the end of the 3rd term I felt entirely lost, it's when i really started to question who i was and who i thought i was, because they turned out to be 2 very different person in my mind i believe i was this type of person but in reality i really was another, I disappointed , even as far as hurt a lot of people and i'm truely sorry i did
"no i'm not the man i used to be lately, see you met me at an interesting time"
but there isn't anyone that felt more disappointed and hurt by me as me, I struggled to find myself again and at that point i just wanted to drop everything and sort myself out. But all along i really knew what was wrong and knew i was making things worst and worst as i was doing it but i really can't explain why i never stopped despite knowing , maybe the reality of it never really hit me till much later and when it hit it hit so hard i wanted to give up on everything.

But I was never one that liked admitting defeat and I don't like giving up, in my mind I was sure I could do better and I had everything all planed out I knew what I needed to do but planning and executing are 2 very different things as my friend Jenq would often say. So ever since i've been trying to crawl my way out of the deep dark hole i've dug myself into since I was 7 years old and it's been much much harder then i've ever imagined it to be, after 2 years of doing just that i'm just barely beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel , I'm not nearly out yet though I won't fool myself into thinking so, there's still quite some way to go and lots of determination is still needed a lot of perseverance is called for, i've done this so many times i can't begin to recall how many if you just go back into my previous blog posts i'm sure you'll find posts identifying my own weaknesses and how i plan to eradicate them even as far back as in highschool if you've known me for that long and read my blogs since thos days , but now is the time like never before this is it, it's do or die , fight or flight , now or never , I will find my way this time, or I shall forever be lost.

(if you've made it this far then you must either really care that much about me to read it all , or you actually find my life interesting enough to read this far or i acutally write good enough to endear you so far =] either way this is the end)

funny, i feel sleepy now. fuck. to sleep or not to sleep, that is the question