trying

Could you let down your hair
And be transparent for a while
Just a little while
See if your human after all
Honesty is a hard attribute to find
When we all want to seem like we've got it all figured out
I may be the first to say that I don't have a clue
I don't have all the answers
And god I pretend like I do just
Trying to find my way
Trying to find my way the best that I know how

Well I haven't memorized all the cute things to say
But I'm working on it
Maybe I'll master this art for today
If I qoute all the line off the top of my head
Would you belive I fully understand all of these things Ive read
Im just trying to find my way
Trying to find my way
Trying to find my way the best that I know how

Well I havent got it all figured out quite yet
But even if it takes my whole life
To get to where I need to be
And if I should fall to the bottom of the end
I'll be one step back to you
I'm trying to find my way
Trying to find my way
Oh, I'm trying to find my way
Trying to find my way
-words by Lifehouse

glow

I've not found a reason to be happy or to smile now for a while, life's more or less a drag really.
But, every once in a while life throws you something to at least cheer you up for a bit =].
Here's a bundle of things Ive got by Alex Pardee.




Beautifully thrown together =]



The Ugliest Fairy, originally called My Book Of Poem's is the cutest lil book of 13 black and white pages filled with poems,telling the story of The Ugliest Fairy true to Alex Pardee's style, it's twisted, dark, random and amazingly funny. Thanks to Long for bringing this back from Us for me. =]


Ojo! =] . Beautifully illustrated black and white graphic novel about a little girl and her pets. Such a lovely book that's so amazingly original. I'm sorry Chris that I've never really told you how much I appreciate you getting this book for me, I know you went to great lenghts to get this for me, it means a great deal to me =] i love and adore it so much and it's going to the grave with me =B . Thanks for being the biggest sweetie for getting me the most thoughtful gift ever! mwah.


Harm Key chain. Its doesn't work as a key chain any more thought =( . But it's still cute as shit ain't it. =] it now sits on table watching over all my pens and pencils and stands guard against any ants that tries to invade my table and stomps on them with his cute lil furry foot till its dead. Thanks Shantee for rescuing this cute lil fella from e-bay =] you're a hero.


Last but not least if you've known me for awhile then you know I've been saying since forever that i want i want i want i want a shirt design by Alex Pardee cause they rock so hard it makes Slipknot look like a kiddie ride on a funfair. I've finally got myself one! sweeeeet. I have one and you don't! no tears please nyeh nyeh =p. Thanks to long again for this one.

Come What(ever)May

Come What(ever)May, Stone Sour's 2nd album is awesome in every essence of the word. A brilliant record of 12 tracks, with every single track beautifully crafted blend of immense energy and raw emotions.

Come What(ever)May, is very varied through out with hard fast and in your face tracks like 30/30-150 and Reborn, to amazingly slow and sensitive tracks like Through glass and Zzyzx Rd. Its amazing the motions this album goes through, there isn't a lot of bands out there that manages to bring such versatility.

Front man Corey Taylor deserves to be credited for excellent mind blowing vocals. Corey sets the mood from slow soft melodic to full out raged screams and hardly breaks a sweat in between. It's however sad to know that original Stone Sour's drummer Joel Ekman left the band on this 2nd albumn due to the fact his son suffered from brain cancer, which later succumbed to it and passed away.

Corey Taylor more widely known for his eccentric, wild image as Hardcore nu metal band Slipknot's front man proves beyond a shadow of a doubt he can not only scream like a mad freak but can sing so well it baffles me why he never did during his time in slipknot. He also show's with stone sour that he's not a raving lunatic thats obsessed with violence and destruction like many come to believe, songs like Through Glass, Sillyworld and Zzyzx Rd shows Corey is just human and writes songs about love, life and pain as well.

Tracks to download are, Through glass and Reborn. 2 songs that shows how Corey and Stone Sour is able to bring so much variety in their sound from melodic acoustic sounds to heavy high tempo almost mercurial sounds, there's a track for every mood in here, if you're sad, mad , happy , depressed you'd still find something for the moment either to Corey's explosive screams or just his slow soothing singing . If u find a liking to this 2 tracks then go get the album, the rest of the tracks won't let you down.

=B

yes how can I help you?
yeah, i was wondering if i wanna trade this phone in how much is the value?
let me see? (flips flips buka buka operate checks memory card and what not)
no more warranty rite?
err, dont think so
i think the most i can give you for this is 400.
Owh. okay. thanks.

i wish.

i wish i know the answers to all my questions.
i wish i'd stop being such a slacker.
i wish i'd find the motivation, to jump out of bed in the morning.
i wish i could go to the apple store and change the hand phone i found for an ipod
i wish i'd stop staring at the blank walls for no particular reason.
i wish i had a puppy Jack Russell in my room that i'd call Lego, and i'd teach it to reply my msges on Msn when i'm not home.
i wish i could turn back the hands of time
i wish they'd stop making stupid superhero movies like fantastic four and spider-man that just disappoints the comic book fans.
i wish to find a reason for smiling.
i wish to be cured of my flu that i've had since forever
i wish someone'd understand.
i wish i can fall apart into a million pieces, and know someone's there to pick me up and put me together again
i wish i had the courage to question what tomorrow will bring
i wish it wasnt so hard to look into the mirror everyday.
i wish too much.

consequence

there's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface
consuming, confusing, this lack of self control i fear is never ending
controlling, i can't seem to find myself again, my walls are closing in
doubt the sense of confidence I'm convince that it's just too much pressure to take
i felt this way before so insecure!
discomfort endlessly has pull itself upon me
distracting, reacting, against my will i stand beside my own reflection
its haunting how i cant seem to find myself again.
crawling in my skin
these wounds they will not heal
fear is how I fall
confusing what is real?
-words by Linkin Park

this is why i loved linkinpark. i relate to this so much now.

table no.7

Zaharin called. I went out. We arrived at ac. He wanted to play pool. We went up. Took table number 7. I walked over to break. I noticed a phone on the floor. I picked it up and looked around, a Nokia 3G phone. No one around. Kept it in my pocket and played pool. The phone is on my table now. Lucky number slevin i guess.




We all have a sickness
that cleverly attaches & multiplies
No matter how we try.
We all have someone that digs at us,
at least we dig each other.
So when sickness turns my ego up
I know you’ll act as a clever medicine.
If I turn into another
dig me up from under what is covering
The better part of me.
Sing this song!
Remind me that we’ll always have each other
when everything else is gone.
-words by Incubus

are you afraid of ghosts?

I lay in bed, in the stillness of the night I stare at the ceiling like I've always done a million and twenty five thousand times before, I notice the sound that the blades of the fan makes as it rotates cycle after cycle endlessly, if you stare at it long enough the blades seem to defy psychics and slows down, and for that short moment you feel like a child again, fascinated by something new and foreign that you can't seem to understand, so you unknowingly smiles alone in your room with playful dancing shadows of spinning blades for company

Slowly but surely little voices emerges from the back of my head, then a surging mix of images and words floods the cool night air, I close my eyes to try push it back, it doesn't seem to help much though, with eyes closed I can still clearly see darting images , but nothing clear, nothing static, it's like watching a movie with a broken projector that is always out of focus and there is a different scene on every panel of the film, but every darting image is alarmingly familiar, so I'm sent tumbling through a turbulence of emotions, at this point I've lost awareness to my state of consciousness.

Then through the voices in my head I heard a scratching sound at my door, then all at once my thoughts left me. I contemplated opening my eyes, then I did, I notice the soft glow coming from my window, then the silence of the night hits me, it's so quiet, I listen to the sound of rustling papers on the floor,the low humming of my laptop on the table, the tappings of dripping water, maybe from an old rusted air con outside, then the sound of tires running against asphalt at a distance approaching, a bright light shines through my window, i watched as it traveled from one to the other end of my room, and then it's gone as abruptly as it came. Then it came to me that I've been able to explain all the sounds i herd but for the first one. Who or what was scratching at my door? I regretted asking that question the moment I did, as my heart rate escalated.

I can hear my heart beating in my ears, i draw in the night air in effort to slow it down, to no avail my imagination took over and manifested on itself, i begin to wonder, what if? What if there is some one on the other side of my window, maybe a little girl that never stops smiling, never, and the only thing between me and her is a pane of glass and a plain sheet of cloth.Then i started to play a game of 10 questions with myself.

But, I don't believe in ghosts.
Since when? You used to be terrified of them back then, so much so you leave the lights on when you sleep.
Since the day i convinced myself they can't exist.
How can you be sure?
Hmm, I'm not.
Doesn't it scare you to know that you might be wrong?
Now that you've mentioned, no I can't say that it does.
Why not?
I can't say, I find it hard to believe in things i can't see and can't be proven.
You can't see air, but you know it's there, you can't see love but you know it exist?
Okay, getting carried away here won't you agree?
Hey, i ask the questions plus you cant answer a question with another question,on top of that did you realize you just asked yourself for an agreement?

I think I'm losing my mind.






How do you feel? That is the question
But I forget you don't expect an easy answer
When something like a soul becomes initialized
And folded up like paper dolls and little notes
You can't expect a bit of hope
So while you're outside looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what you're staring at is me

'Cause I'm looking at you through the glass
Don't know how much time has passed
All I know is that it feels like forever
but No one ever tells you that forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside your head
-words by Stone Sour

simple things

So after days without the Internet I'm back, it's in this time I've learn to realize how we often times take simple things like these for granted, being off the Internet for just a few days felt like crap, felt like a week instead of just a few days, every time i think of something i wanna do i realize i need the damn Internet to do it, damn it's frustrating like ants crawling over your face when you're trying to sleep.

I remember, I used to pay a lot of attention to the finer details in life, wonder where has that boy gone,I used to take notice of all the little things in life that makes me smile and I'd savour it, like the smell of coffee in the morning, or the warmth of the water from the shower head running down my spine as I lose my way with thoughts of yesterday's feelings and tomorrow's bringings as the rest of the world for that brief moment dissolves away down the drain. Have you ever felt, empty, like there is a void inside of you , like something is missing but you cant figure out what, chances are its a simple thing in life you've taken for granted and maybe even forgotten about.

So much has been taken for granted, i cant begin to understand how I've come to develop this negligence. My biggest crime would probably be the fact that I've taken so much time for granted. I hate being inactive and idle, I often get preoccupied with heavy thoughts that shackles me and pull me deep into darker areas of my brains that I've often shy away from and i drown to the sound of regrets and choke on emotions I thought I've buried but know deep inside surely it'd have to surface time and time again and dread it when it does, all these while i lie in bed to the flurry of heavy guitar distortion, echoing screams and rapid drum beats , or maybe that's my heart pounding they seem hard to tell apart sometimes,why do I spend endless hours lying awake asking questions I can never find the answers to by myself, just to finally submit to slumber and wake up the next day none the wiser, with just as many questions unanswered.


I feel like i can relate to this painting now, i don't know why cause it doesn't make much sense to me either, maybe its just the way how the guy is in a hellishly gloomy place that i relate to my room and seem to be detached to everything around him. Or i just feel spineless lately.





"Lost again"
"Broken and weary "
"Unable to find my way"
"Tail in hand"
"Dizzy and clearly unable to"
"Just let this go"

"I am surrendering to the gravity and the unknown"
"Catch me heal me lift me back up to the sun"
"I choose to live"
-words by A Perfect Circle

this is a call to the colorblind.

I have no idea what i want to write about this time around, and every time i stop to think about something either I get a nudge on msn or a song on itunes party shuffle catches my ear and I start to drift, see at this point it already took and hour in the making, no i'm not exaggarating.

Hmm, I know lets have an overview of my life now and what i've been through since my move to kl. I never liked doing this cause I already know I havent been very productive over the past year or so and I hate to admit it.

Prior to my move here, well I never really thought in one years time after spm i'll be where i'm today, I think I sound like i've achived something great like winning the oscar,but sadly thats not the case. I've been here for over a year and with nothing to show for, maybe longer hair that Jon BonJovi would have aproved of in the 80s. I came to kl, well scared, nervous, unsure but remained optimistic and asured that I can hold my own here. Well thats untill class started, I mean I thought i can draw, till i saw what 'i can draw' means, worst when I had to retake figures1 and entered a dash 1 class, I felt like a spastic midget trying to play bassketball in the Nba.

KL was, for most part lonely. Sure I made friends in class and stuff but at the end of the day when I go home and I sit in my room, my best friends were still the four walls around me. There was just really no one that I can click with here, no one that speaks my language. Not untill a special someone came along that is, which at first glance I never would have figured out everything that she's made off would make me smile endlessly =]. Thanks for putting color into a kl that for a long time seemed bleak and mundane to me. Hmm, but not long after things started to spiral out of control, I was struggling to cope with life I just dint have a direction and I felt lost and jaded, things were gettin frustrating and I just dint know how to vent it. I droped everything I held and lost myself in the process.

So where do I stand now? I guess i've managed to hitch hiked my way back to sanity, with renewed belive,sense of purpose i'm ready to face another day, when life hits you and hits you hard I guess it's okay to fall back , and slowly pick yourself up again and learn from what you've been through. We all do stupid things, we all make stupid decisions but there is really no use regreting, just look to tomorrow with open arms and open eyes.

"down to the wire"
"i wanted water but i'll walk through the fire"
"if this is what it takes to take me even higher"
"then i'll come through like i do"
"when the world keeps testing me testing me testing me"
-words by, John Mayer

hurry,come spell check me.

Ahh, it's been too long since i've last done this. my last blog post was what? something like april 2006? , yeah more then a year ago. So, why start again now? Well, I've always liked to blog , but after the downfall of my last one (it was infected with i dont know what, ppl that go in it get loads of pop ups, plus I was deprived of proper internet connection for about a year, cyber cafe's dont count, you dont blog in a cc. at least i won't) i was just too lazy to start up another one ,solely because i'm too lazy to write up the codes for a new one, and I still am as you can clearly tell i'm using a defualt template.When I started a blog back then it wasn't because I wanted to write or share, I just wanted to design the layout of a page,sadly I dont have the time,patience or the will to do it, well not right now at least =] .

So after an over due hiatus i'm back, I miss expressing through words, like Paris Hilton is missing beer and Prada in jail now. I've always found the need to express I guess, I'm not the greatest of a socialite, I can't sing, or play an instrument or dance like John Travolta in Greese. So, I draw and I write, I need somewhere to rant and vent I guess.

This won't be your typical blog,which is typically an e-diary I won't be sharing my day to day basis life with you here,unless of cause something really interesting happened, and it wont be a picture blog either. You wont get lots of pics from me, well unless of cause if i somehow magically found a lottery ticket and it somehow magically turns out to be the winning ticket, which allows me to get a Dslr cam(if i still have enought after gettin an ipod, and a car =B ), so if you think the odds of me gettin a dslr soon are next to none, well yeah i'd agree with you. I will be writing mostly on my view on, hmm i can't really say it could be anything from how I think we should all wear converse to how salty i think McD fries should be, you'll never know, on top of that i guess ill be writing reviews on new albumns i get and new movies i watch =]. I guess this is suffice enough for my opening entry. If i've frustrated you with my weak spelling, shitty grammer or my stupid metaphors, pardon me.